HOW MARRIAGE WORKS BEST

Ephesians 5:22-25 (KJV)

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

1 Corinthians 11:3-9 (KJV)

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.

But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.

For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.

Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

1 Peter 3:1-7 (KJV)

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

It used to be[2] that whenever I would do pre-marriage counseling I would tell people, “Anita and I have a great marriage. Just do what we do and you will have a great marriage too.”

What is it Anita and I do that makes our marriage great?

More importantly, what is it the Bible teaches makes a marriage great?

In other words, “What is the “work” husbands and wives can do to have a Biblical, Christ centered marriage?”

I think we can boil the New Testament’s lessons on marriage down to three Biblical Principles:

·   Wives submit to your husbands all the time.

·   Husbands love your wives and

·   Each fill the role God has given you in the marriage[3]

Anita and I will celebrate 37 years of marriage Wednesday.

After 37 years of married life and almost 34 years of pastoring I think I am qualified to say that those three principles work very well as long as there is agreement between the husband and the wife.

But what do we do when there is disagreement?

Enter what I will call, the hard work of marriage.

When the husband and the wife find themselves in disagreement,

I. WIVES SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS

Ephesians 5:22 (KJV)

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

We can do everything we want to do to soften this concept and make it seem more politically correct.

·   We can balance it with the role the husband has in the marriage relationship.

·   We can soften it by pointing out that we are all to submit one to another

And all of that is true and fair to say.

But it does not diminish this Biblical command to the wife.

She is to submit to her own husband.

By the way,

·   She does not have to submit to anyone else’s husband and

·   She doesn’t have to submit to a man before he is her husband

But she is instructed, commanded to submit to her own husband.

A. All the time

1 Peter 3:6 (KJV)

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Ladies, I am not advising you to call your husbands lord.

This is more of a spirit than an action.

The word lord has to do with authority.

It is simply a recognition of one whose God given responsibility it is to make decisions.

Here is the thing about submission -

You have never submitted if you have only submitted when you agree.

We see this type of thing happening more and more in America.

President Trump was fairly and justly elected to be the President of the United States but those who didn’t like the outcome of the election have been in a riot or near riot state ever since.

It’s one thing to say, “I’m proud to be an American” when everything is going the way I want it to go.

It is another thing to say the same when things are going we don’t want them to go.

It’s one thing, ladies, to say, “I support my husband” when he:

·   Has just gotten a raise at work

·   Has just offered to watch the kids for three hours while you go get your nails polished

·   Has just paid for plane tickets to your dream vacation

You see that’s not really submission.

Submission happens when he has just pulled the rug out from under everything you hold dear.

Many, many years ago Anita and I knew a pastor and his wife in Oregon.

They were from the Midwest and, to be frank, they were both unhappy here in the Northwest. She was outspoken in her disapproval of their “home away from their Midwestern home.”

They were here in the Northwest, serving in a church for several years when she made a trip back home to visit.

While she was away, without speaking to her about it, without her knowing it was going to happen, he resigned the church he had been the pastor of for probably 5 years.

She returned to the Northwest to discover that

·   He no longer had a job

·   She no longer had a house and

·   They no longer knew where they would be in a month’s time

He left that church to try to plant a church in another Northwest town and then eventually accepted the pastorate of a third church here in the Northwest, staying there until he retired.

Submission to her husband wouldn’t have following him so long as he stayed in their hometown.

·   Submission happened when she pulled up stakes to follow him to the Northwest

·   Submission happened when she followed him after he had resigned a church without even telling her he was going to do it

·   Submission happened when she encouraged him as he attempted to plant a church in a place without one and

·   Submission happened when she moved once again to that third Northwest town to live out their lives there.

I do not believe he was wise to resign the church without so much as telling his wife he was considering it.

But Anita has done something similar.

When she met me I was a well paid construction worker on a career path that would certainly have provided very well for her.

When I surrendered to preach

·   She moved from the brand new house we had just bought into a 33 ft travel trailer

·   She moved from Oregon to Colorado and accepted a job at a Christian school to pay my way through Bible College

·   She moved to Astoria, OR where I had no promise of support and almost no opportunity to work so I could try to plant a new church there

·   She moved to California where we lived in rat-infested campus housing so I could work at a college that was going in debt at the rate of $30,000 per month.

·   She moved into the basement of a church in Spokane for six months while I tried to figure out what God wanted me to do next.

·   She moved to Oklahoma City, having never been there, all the while knowing that I had to keep talking myself into thinking it would be all right to live there.

·   She moved to Puyallup after having only been in Oklahoma for one year.

I can tell you that she wasn’t sold that we should have made every one of those moves but in every one of them, she made me believe we were home.

That’s submission.

I have to tell you, there were times in those moves that I was struggling.

·   I wanted to be in the will of God.

·   I just wasn’t sure what it was.

Anita did exactly what I needed her to do. She supported me until I found my way.

Ephesians 5:22 (KJV)

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

There is, I believe, just one time when a wife must not submit to her husband…

B. If they want you to disobey the Word of God

Acts 5:27-29 (KJV)

And when they had brought them, they set them before the council: and the high priest asked them,

Saying, Did not we straitly command you that ye should not teach in this name? and, behold, ye have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, and intend to bring this man's blood upon us.

Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.

A person ought to be careful with this.

I am not giving you an excuse to say, “I believe God wants me to do this, so it is ok to disobey my husband.”

But if you husband wishes you to do something that is clearly against the Word of God, obey the Word of God.

It there is disagreement in the home then,

II. HUSBANDS BE THE LEADER 

Ephesians 5:23 (KJV)

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

The Civil War is one of the blackest moments in the history of our country.

Fellow citizens of the United States

·   Relatives

·   Brothers

·   West Point classmates

Took up arms one against another, eventually killing 620,000 American boys – almost half of those killed in all our conflicts combined.

Those who study these things are able to pontificate to no end as to why there was such great loss of life.

One of the significant reasons the war went on as long as it did with as much loss of life as it did, is because Lincoln had so much trouble finding a general who would lead his armies to fight.

McClellan spent all his time in command rallying the troops around Washington DC and parading them to show off his numbers. Buell and Halleck likewise proved incapable of taking the battle to the enemy.

The war with the South drug on costing who know how many avoidable losses of life until Lincoln was finally able to find a General who would lead his men to fight.

Here’s the thing – none of these Union generals wanted to fight their friends.

Somebody had to understand that this was war – like it or not – and it must be fought until won.

Husbands; God has laden you with the responsibility of leadership.

It may sound great, but it isn’t so fun when disagreements happen.

Truth is, you aren’t really leading until you lead through a disagreement in your relationship.

When you and you wife disagree

A. Defer[4] to your wife if possible

Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

As the head of the house the power to make peace is within you.

More often than not you can do that by sacrificing your disagreement to her.

Choose the thing that pleases her.

Honestly – this isn’t that tough

·   You like a light carpet. She likes a dark one. Get the dark one.

·   You like a pickup. She likes a minivan. Get the van

·   You like steak. She cooks a casserole. Eat the casserole.

If you get in an argument, take the leadership and apologize.

At the very least you can apologize for allowing a disagreement to degenerate into an argument.

There is almost nothing so important a man and his wife might argue about that the husband can’t do the chivalrous thing and submit his wishes, will and wants to the pleasure of his wife.

I said almost…

B. If it is not possible to defer to your wife, be the man.

I know of at least two cases in the Bible where we see this very thing:

Job 2:9-10 (KJV)

Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

Exodus 4:24-26 (KJV)

And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

Zipporah was a Gentile and circumcision was not part of their spiritual culture.

But Moses could not go forward for God without obeying this observance for his sons.

I don’t think it happens often that a man cannot defer to the pleasure of his wife

And in those times he believes he must exercise headship and do the thing she disagrees with, she ought to submit.

But even if she won’t – he must be the man and do what he believes is right.[5]

I do have just one other point before I finish the message this morning.

I. Wives submit to your husbands

A. all the time.

B. The only time you would not submit is if he wants you to disobey the Word of God

II. Husbands disagreements happen to be the leader.

A. Defer to your wife if possible.

B. If not possible be the man.

Finally

III. FORGIVE THE MISTAKES

2 Corinthians 12:11-13 (KJV)

I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me: for I ought to have been commended of you: for in nothing am I behind the very chiefest apostles, though I be nothing.

Truly the signs of an apostle were wrought among you in all patience, in signs, and wonders, and mighty deeds.

For what is it wherein ye were inferior to other churches, except it be that I myself was not burdensome to you? forgive me this wrong.

If the Apostle Paul, as honest a follower of Christ as he was, could ask the church in Corinth to “forgive [him] this wrong” don’t you suppose any one of us could do things that need to be forgiven?

A husband isn’t going to head his home correctly every time.

A wife isn’t going to be submissive every time she ought to be

The very best thing you can possibly do is forgive them when it happens.

Conclusion

I started this message by saying that I often counsel young couples getting married to “Just do what Anita and I do, and you will have a great marriage.”

Anita is submissive.

I try to be a spiritual head of the house.

But the real secret to our marriage is…. A whole lot of forgiveness.

[2] I really still do that. I just try to expand on it a bit these days.

[3] Husbands are the head of the home and the wives are the helpmeet.

[4] The word, defer, means to submit, concede or comply.

[5] I think there is only one time this isn’t the case.

If God has called a man into the ministry and she is opposed to it, her heart has hindered God’s call.

He should yield in that case and wait for God to bring a resolution.